Women’s dress • women’s jacket• booties • girl’s dress • girl’s converse • toddler dress • toddler boots • similar knee socks • similar girls’ headbands
School starts this week for my kids and I have all the jitters. I know some moms get so excited for the start of the school year because for them it means FREEDOM! Finally, some time by themselves after spending months being surrounded by children for a maddening 24 hours a day.
For me, on the other hand, it actually means less freedom. During the summer I had an amazing nanny who not only watched my kids until 5 p.m., but also did laundry, cleaned my house, and even organized my pantry. I’m literally mourning her loss (wearing all black for the foreseeable future). Now I have to try and rush home early to get the kids off the bus and then spend the rest of my evening juggling all the activities, homework, and dinner. Not to mention there is no beach vacation in sight. Sigh – I may be in the minority but I hate this time of year!
Back to school also gives me the jitters because my oldest stresses about it. She gets nervous about schoolwork, but even more nervous about friends. She’s shy, and takes everything so seriously. If a friend decides not to play with her one day (which happens, because she’s seven and that’s normal) she comes home in tears and focuses on this one bad thing that happened for DAYS. It’s so hard as a mom to watch this.
I was talking to a friend recently about how it is so hard to see your kid upset, and how it’s so interesting that even at this age kids have such distinct personalities. Some are quiet and nervous. Others are outgoing and fearless. Unfortunately, others are mean. How in the world is it possible for them all to be so different? As shy and sweet as my oldest is, my youngest is bold and sassy. My son falls somewhere in between.
As the mom of girls, from the beginning I have tried to make sure they were all kind. I feel like this has been especially true with my oldest. Since she was little and in daycare I would say – play with everyone, share your toys, say hello to your friends and the most important – NEVER exclude anyone. To this day, if we are out with friends or at a friend’s house, and I notice a kid by themselves I try to pull her aside and say “include so-and-so, they are by themselves.”
Is she perfect? Absolutely not – I have heard of times where her friends have felt left out by her. In those moments I have said, “hey, I know you really like to play with others but make sure you aren’t excluding anyone, especially (insert name here).” I also try to pay attention to what is happening with the kids if there is a group of kids playing under my supervision, so I can help if any little girl is being excluded. And I ask other parents to tell me if she’s mean – they may not feel comfortable doing so but I hope this isn’t the case. Can everyone play with everyone all the time? No, but we can try and facilitate inclusion where possible.
Unfortunately, I am quickly learning that at the ripe old age of seven we start to see mean girls behavior, sometimes even when parents have tried to stay in top of it. Excluding or ignoring a friend, talking about friends, making mean comments, not letting other girls play, these are all things that start to happen with girls at a young age.
Despite hearing stories of this stuff happening, many times we as parents don’t take it seriously. There are instances where groups of kids are together and moms are just so happy to talk to other moms (who can blame us) that we pay very little attention to what the kids are doing and miss the mean comments or excluded kids. There are other times where we just laugh it off if one kid seems misplaced, and offer no advice to their kid on how to help others feel included. “They’ll work it out,” we say with a shrug. Even worse, I think sometimes as parents we just breathe a sigh of relief that it’s not our kid hanging out alone – a survival of the fittest mentality.
It may sound like I am preaching – and I don’t mean to. I am not perfect and need reminded of this as much as anyone. In fact, I think when I was younger, there were times where I fell into the role of a mean girl. In my defense, it started when I felt left out as a young girl, and convinced myself I never wanted to feel that way again. I can honestly say that I was acting as a result of my own insecurities and desire to fit in. Had any adult actually seen this and cued me in on how awful I was probably making others feel, it would have helped me be a nicer kid. Like most children I was immature and selfish and thought little about anyone but myself.
I offer this up because I truly think our kids need our help to be nicer. I am convinced for most kids (mine included) the default is to be a jerk, and it is our responsibility as parents to teach them how not to be jerks. They are little. Their brains are little. Their emotions aren’t developed. If we don’t guide them towards nice now, who will?
I look at these little girls in their fierce dresses and think, yes, it’s very important that they are told they are strong, and smart, and can do anything. These little girls absolutely need to believe this. But can’t we also tell them to be kind – and truly mean it? This may seem like someone else’s problem if your kid has never been excluded, or left out, or told “don’t follow us” on the playground (yes that happens). But trust me – I can speak from my own experiences as both a mom and a little girl- the behavior will not get better. And as kids get older, the tables will eventually turn. Its a lot harder to help our kids learn to be nice at the age of 18 than 8, and at that point it’s the nice kids (now adults) who start to come out on top.
